Well douche your snatch and let's go!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
