Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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