Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
