Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You may now shotgun with the bride
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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