so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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