The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
