Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
