im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
