if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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