Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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