He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
