Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
