you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
