10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
