I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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