Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
