I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
