She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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