Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
