I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
