I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
