Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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