I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
