I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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