I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
