i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
