I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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