hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
