i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
