If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize