1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
