I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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