I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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