he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
