OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
