Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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