cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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