In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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