i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
