I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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