Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
