I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
