i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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