I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The Olympian is in my bed
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