Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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