Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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