I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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