pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
