I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
