then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
