nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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