i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
