I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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