FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
