i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
