I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
