mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
