I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
