Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
