A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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