I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
