this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
