3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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