You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize