The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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