her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize