I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
