y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
