I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
