Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
