Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i think my tv is drunk
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
